DELTONA, FL—As he anxiously examined his hairline in the mirror, local 32-year-old Bryce Keough, a man whom no one has looked at directly in weeks, became increasingly concerned Thursday that everyone could tell he was balding. “Jesus, this looks terrible—what am I going to do?” said Keough, who stared at his reflection in anguish as he attempted to devise a plan to hide his receding hairline from the occasional service worker or random passerby whose eyes would neither focus upon the man nor even register his physical presence any more than was necessary to hand him a receipt or maneuver their way past him on a sidewalk.
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“I’m getting a bald spot on top, too, which means I’m gonna look a decade older anytime I don’t wear a hat. How am I supposed to go out in public when everyone will be staring [past me and at something else entirely]?” At press time, sources told reporters they were revolted and horrified during the brief instant in which the balding man had passed through the most distant, blurry edge of their peripheral vision.
Hoping to eventually escape the dreary and mundane utility space, a local folding chair in the basement of Antioch Church reportedly fantasized Tuesday about getting smashed over a professional wrestler’s back. “Someday I’ll get out of this damn basement and finally make the big time, being swung at an unsuspecting wrestler or referee as the packed arena cheers,” said the wistful steel chair, bemoaning how it had wasted its prime years supporting the asses of teenagers, AA attendees, and elderly bingo players when it should have been inflicting pain on an ornery heel. “There’s got to be more to life than youth group bible study sessions and Knights of Columbus meetings such as absolutely pummeling a WWE superstar to change the outcome of a title match. I never get to knock out anyone down here. I’m gonna make it to WrestleMania if it’s the last thing I do, just you wait.” At press time, the folding chair was well on its way to achieving its goal after getting sold at a church fundraiser.